Mid-Life Crisis? Or just the Reality of Life?
My reason for not posting lately is that I hate dial up internet. I just want to throw my computer in the pool. Trying to do something on the internet is comparable to slamming my boob in the car door. I know there is such a thing as highspeed internet, but it is not available in my area. Figures!
Ok, so the title of this blog is kinda deep but it is something I have been pondering lately. Am I having a mid-life crisis? I old enough to have one? What really is one? And is there medication for this? J/K about the meds. (not really) In 8 days I will turn 29. Twenty friggin' nine! I don't really know why this is freaking me out, but it totally is. I remember when I was still living with my parents (age 13-15ish) and ABC had a show on called "30 something". All these actors on the show did was complain about their young kids, spouses and money. I used think, "my god people, get a life!" I remember watching and thinking they are so old an boring. (Now this is when the mid-life crisis comes into play) I think I am living the show "30 something". And I have no idea how I got here. I don't mean that literally. I know I met Dale fell in love, got married, had kids and TA-DA!!! But when did this happen? Lately when I am at the sink washing dishes at 7:00 at night in the same clothes I woke up in, I feel like Alfred Hitchcock is over my shoulder saying "welcome to the zone. The twighlight zone." Or when I am cleaning the same counters for folding the same laundry I feel like Bill Murray in "Ground Hog Day." Where is Holly????
Now don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am truly blessed. I have awesome friends, happy & healthy kids, a husband that is hung like Mr. Ed (sorry for the visual, wonderful parents, and a nice home. I even have a small dog (shout out to Kyndo) But I just don't feel like myself anymore. Is this normal? I don't think I am depressed, just a little lost maybe. I don't have any hobbies anymore or anything that I do for just me. Where is Holly? The cool hot chick I remember being. Granted she slept around a little too much J/K (not really) LOL, but I miss her. Did she grow up? I catch glimpses of her every now and again. (Naples) Recently I was looking at friend of mines pictures online and I realized something. I used to love to take pictures. I would put together collages and loved editing pictures. Where is my creative side? I think I have grown up and now I am just a different person. Not 100% different but definitely changed. And I just realized this. I am full time mommy, and there is nothing like being a mommy. I love being around them all day (most of the time) I love that I am the kisser of boo boos and the cook to their meals that I make in shapes like smiling faces or fish or whatever. I love to hear them laugh and see them smile. And mostly I adore it when they come and find me and hug me first. Hunter does this thing where she hugs her face to mine, cheek to cheek. And she says "your my mommy" in a soft and loving voice. Its her special way of saying I love you. I love when Hayden is tired and runs to me and I pick him up. Then he puts his head on my shoulder, his body goes limp, and she takes a deep breath.
So my question is... Do I like this new Holly & should I feel this way?
As most of you know I have had a crazy life this last year. I am not even gonna get into all of it. But I think that Dale and I have done fairly kick ass considering all the shit. Maybe it is just now catching up with me. I think I like my new grown up 29 year old self. But I think I miss the 23 year old holly also. Maybe I am just rambling on here.... LOL
Oh well I feel better just venting!!
Disclaimer:
This in no way should scare, frighten, or alter ones idea of marriage and kids. This is only my life and experiences. Just keep your happily ever after image. It's much more fun that way!!
Ok, so the title of this blog is kinda deep but it is something I have been pondering lately. Am I having a mid-life crisis? I old enough to have one? What really is one? And is there medication for this? J/K about the meds. (not really) In 8 days I will turn 29. Twenty friggin' nine! I don't really know why this is freaking me out, but it totally is. I remember when I was still living with my parents (age 13-15ish) and ABC had a show on called "30 something". All these actors on the show did was complain about their young kids, spouses and money. I used think, "my god people, get a life!" I remember watching and thinking they are so old an boring. (Now this is when the mid-life crisis comes into play) I think I am living the show "30 something". And I have no idea how I got here. I don't mean that literally. I know I met Dale fell in love, got married, had kids and TA-DA!!! But when did this happen? Lately when I am at the sink washing dishes at 7:00 at night in the same clothes I woke up in, I feel like Alfred Hitchcock is over my shoulder saying "welcome to the zone. The twighlight zone." Or when I am cleaning the same counters for folding the same laundry I feel like Bill Murray in "Ground Hog Day." Where is Holly????
Now don't get me wrong, I love my life. I am truly blessed. I have awesome friends, happy & healthy kids, a husband that is hung like Mr. Ed (sorry for the visual, wonderful parents, and a nice home. I even have a small dog (shout out to Kyndo) But I just don't feel like myself anymore. Is this normal? I don't think I am depressed, just a little lost maybe. I don't have any hobbies anymore or anything that I do for just me. Where is Holly? The cool hot chick I remember being. Granted she slept around a little too much J/K (not really) LOL, but I miss her. Did she grow up? I catch glimpses of her every now and again. (Naples) Recently I was looking at friend of mines pictures online and I realized something. I used to love to take pictures. I would put together collages and loved editing pictures. Where is my creative side? I think I have grown up and now I am just a different person. Not 100% different but definitely changed. And I just realized this. I am full time mommy, and there is nothing like being a mommy. I love being around them all day (most of the time) I love that I am the kisser of boo boos and the cook to their meals that I make in shapes like smiling faces or fish or whatever. I love to hear them laugh and see them smile. And mostly I adore it when they come and find me and hug me first. Hunter does this thing where she hugs her face to mine, cheek to cheek. And she says "your my mommy" in a soft and loving voice. Its her special way of saying I love you. I love when Hayden is tired and runs to me and I pick him up. Then he puts his head on my shoulder, his body goes limp, and she takes a deep breath.
So my question is... Do I like this new Holly & should I feel this way?
As most of you know I have had a crazy life this last year. I am not even gonna get into all of it. But I think that Dale and I have done fairly kick ass considering all the shit. Maybe it is just now catching up with me. I think I like my new grown up 29 year old self. But I think I miss the 23 year old holly also. Maybe I am just rambling on here.... LOL
Oh well I feel better just venting!!
Disclaimer:
This in no way should scare, frighten, or alter ones idea of marriage and kids. This is only my life and experiences. Just keep your happily ever after image. It's much more fun that way!!
posted by holly at 1:36 PM
2 Comments:
Life is a journey, constantly changing, constantly requiring a posture of putting out fires and for women, making everyone else happy. It sounds to me that all you need Holly is to step back from all the stimulation and noise in and out of your head and go somewhere alone where you can listen to the silence and allow God, the master designer and creator of your wild, wonderful and beautiful self, to speak and tell you just how special you are to Him. Give mom the kids for a few days and go to the beach or the woods alone, your preference, wherever you feel the presence of peace and truth and just listen. Be still and allow God to fill you with His love and wisdom. He will help you discover the true Holly, the core of the mommy, wife, friend and daughter. You have the answers within you....you just lack the confidence to believe in the value of who you are and the importance of what you do each day. The key is to realize that the most mundane activities of our lives can be the most sacred. When you're not getting validation from your husband, children etc., you need to be strong enough (which you are) to believe that what you give (love and self sacrifice) is eternal and will not return void. What you give each day to your children is worth more than anything else in this world and will live on through your children and their children and so on. Life goes by so quickly and the children are only young for a short period of time. Embrace every moment with them because before you know it they will be grown and never again the same.Your relationship with them will always be special but those small innocent angels will be changed by their own journey but it will be what you are giving them at this time of their vulnerable lives that will give them the foundation to handle the hurdles of tommorow. You will have time to do the things that you love, the things that God has purposed for your life. At this time you couldn't be doing anything that's more important in this entire world. Mothering is THE most important job on Earth. You have the power to influence and change the world by the love that you give to Hunter and Hayden....Love is the only thing that can change the world for better. It's an old cliche but it is Truth. You will have the opportunity to use your talents in other ways as they grow and become more independent and don't need you in the same way. At that time you will have more time to do the things you love to do and will be teaching them how to love themselves and be true to thyself. What you are going through is so common...down the ages women have always struggled for independance and meaning... We've always had to struggle for validation but I believe it's been our struggle that has made us strong and gentle giants. Remove the ego, walk with God and know that no matter what we must endure, we will emerge from the fire
like shining stars in the universe and will learn to love and embrace the abundant life that God has promised to give. :)
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